Illustration by Zoe Wagner
What if We Already Loved You?
11 years ago, when I started dating again after my divorce, I was excited at the thought of meeting new people, but I was also riddled with nerves. I’d been with my husband for over 24-years, and here I was putting myself out again. Was I still attractive, was I smart enough, funny enough, deep enough, whatever enough.
I meant to be myself, but in my anxiousness, I often ended up importing what I though was a better version of myself; funnier, deeper, a better listener, more compassionate, more hip. This was also supported in part by a fair amount of alcohol, which created a false confidence, and a false sense of intimacy, which helped both of us get through the date, because I wasn’t alone in my nervousness, and seemed to choose men who also liked to drink.
There was a good amount of wildness, and Oh-my-god, what-was-I-thinking, as well as some experiences that I don’t like to remember. I didn’t get close to too many people, not really. I came to realize that the woman on the dates was a version of me – the one I thought was datable – but I wasn’t really myself. I would save that self for later, when I got to know someone and I could trust the relationship to tolerate my more vulnerable, deeper bits. Sometimes I never got that far, though there were a few people who I did let in.
It was a lot of years of this before I realized a couple of things: One, no more drinking on dates, and two, I had to find a way to be myself.
So I made up a little game where I pretended that the person I was going on a date with was someone I’d known my whole life. We were old friends, already knew everything about each other, didn’t have to prove or sell anything to each other because we already loved each other. All we/I had to do was show up.
I called the game, He Already Loves You.
The dates got better, and I met a few really good men over time, men who I let see the more natural me, the me that wasn’t trying hard or selling anything. The me who was just showing up. That’s how intimacy was possible. Before it was just a performance.
This kind of showing up as my more natural self has been a life long path – and something I know is understood by many. Whether it’s dating or showing up as a teacher, or in a group of friends, there’s often an unconscious part of me that kicks into gear before I’m even aware I’m doing it. It’s hard to name it, but it’s a kind of friendly protection, a part of me that’s reading the room, that’s trying to head down the hallway called Like Me.
It also means that I’m not always fully present with myself or people, and more than that, to the extent that I’m trying to show you how shiny I am, I am blocking my natural shine, the part of me that radiates without effort.
Like everything I’m working on personally, I bring it into my teaching. I’m always thinking about ways to help my writers relax so they can be their beautiful, vulnerable, ordinary selves on the page.
So I asked them, how would you show up on the page if you knew that we already loved you? How would you show up if you knew that all we wanted was for you to just be yourself? You don’t need to do any fancy literary moves for us, you don’t have to sell us on your fabulous personality or how smart and clever you are – because we already love you.
The writers took a deep breath, everyone relaxed, and over time they began to lay down stories of true intimacy and trust, showing us their inner, wobbly bits. In this way they became their more true selves on the page, as well as off the page, and which is why this work is so powerful; you can’t be one way on the page for long before the truth of who you are leaks into your life, and changes you forever.
The cherry on top is that over the last many years of teaching, and especially if I’m feeling flat or low or scared that I’m not being a good enough teacher, I’ll often out myself to my online students, and you should see the way the chat blows up, “We already love you,” person after person will write, “We already love you.” And I always shake my head and laugh. I always forget that this isn’t just some pithy writing lesson, it’s a life path, and I’m on that path too.
Listen to Laurie read this piece:
Thank you, Laurie… To quote Billy Joel, I love you just the way you are…
Thank you. It’s such a good afage to live by. I am fortunate that many of the people in my life follow it. I am so glad to be a part of this group.
YES! So helpful! I have quoted you so often!!! “We already love you!” Thanks for teaching me this.
Thank you so much for sharing so intimately your journey which I so resonate with along many lines…I feel so validated and yes, loved, to read/hear your story, your stories of your experiences which take you to clearer and clearer self-love as well as the many times of stumbling, still, along the ways; you are so beautifully humanly ever-in-the-making, ever on the journey(s) into your loveable self(s) as every one of us is, really – keep on keeping on that honest sharing person you are always becoming and loving us into becoming in our selves… 🙂
Every time, L, BAM. Right to the heart. Every time. And we love you for that!! 💕💕
Reading your words helps me feel that it’s safe to be open, honest and vulnerable, myself. So, thank you for that, and for offering up the most transformative phrase – We already love you.
This is lovely… Very sincere and relatable. I feel blessed that i grew up in bzerkeley (calif) in the 60’s, so started out and STAYED very open (in a too loosey goosey way oft as not!), until i just felt too battered and bonked. The covid and taking care of my dying ma finally shut me down, now i am trying to figure my way back up and out! Would love to be part of this group but limited retirement ($650/mo) not allow… my choices have gotten me here, however so… 🤷 glad u exist! 🙋🏽♀️💐🍇
Thank you Laurie. I so needed this one today. I thought I was showing up authentically and already loving myself and others in this weird post-longterm marriage dating world. I tried to put wild writing principals into my conversations, but there is still work to do. I do love you!
This was the line “Write, write badly … we already love you” that helped me fill two notebooks while having a story inside me that couldn’t find its way out for fifteen years. This was the line that made me keep signing up for whatever classes Laurie so generously offers. Thank you … most wonderful line ever… and reminds me that that is the secret code between every parent & child… we already love you ❤️
Presented perfection is much too predictable, and never authentic. Those inner wobbly bits are unique, personal, lovable and draw me to you. Presented perfection is truly a repellent for true intimacy. Let’s get wobbly! Wobbly is juicy and lovable!
I already love you, Laurie!
Oh, man. It’s a long path. Love.
Thank you, Laurie, for ALL that you offer so generously. Vulnerability. Safety. Honesty. Belly hanging, writing poorly as we can…. Being in the Wild Writing Family has helped me to open myself up more generously.
How wonderful to walk in the world, loved already.
“So I asked them, how would you show up on the page if you knew that we already loved you? How would you show up if you knew that all we wanted was for you to just be yourself? ”
This also removes the whole ego deal, which can be a relief.
This is a wonderful reminder to all of use writers and non writers alike.
Thanks Laurie. You know I already love you!
I have found that even hearing you say “we already love you” opens up the ability to at least try to write more freely and openly. Thanks Laurie!
This statement could so easily lean toward so many things. ..like a mom or a dad or a grandparent. This class is opening my creative voice and writing in a most beautiful way!
I so appreciate your realness, as a woman, as a teacher. I love your approach and it keeps me coming back….to be taught, to be amongst your authenticity.
You told me “we already love you” during on of the wild writing sessions in Nepal. This is something I really needed read this morning. Thank you and I love you. <3
Perfect.
Perfect Timing!
Wow, what a concept! I wish I knew about (and could have tricked myself into believing) “she already loves you” in my long-ago dating life. Fortunately I finally found someone who did, and also got to the place where I could believe it.
Thank you for sharing! I’m forwarding this to my girlfriend.