It’s hard work being so fabulous. No, I mean it. It’s exhausting.
I know that’s a whopper of a first line, and while I am being somewhat tongue in cheek, I’m serious. I’m a hard working animal – I effort – I muscle into everything. I mean to be a good friend, a good teacher, worker, mother, writer, athlete – you name it – I want to be good at it. Actually, I want to be better than good; I want to be the best; phenomenal, extraordinary, outta sight, a hard act to follow. If this were a scratch and sniff you could smell the sweat, you could hear the grunt, and you’d definitely feel the exhaustion. You might even be able to sniff out the sadness – something I’m only starting to recognize.
I come by all of this honestly. When I was a kid I learned how to function whether I was feeling functional or not. Our father woke us early on weekend mornings insisting that we get up and get something done. I had no idea what needed to be done at 10-years-old, but it was on us to figure it out – to get busy doing something, less we appeared to be slacking. “Get going,” he would instruct, as he poked his head into our room. I learned how to buck up, to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and heave the hell ho. A favorite word in our family was “hustle,” which was the way you got things done. You also didn’t want to be accused of being a “quitter,” which was a shameful little corner to sit in.
Getting busy, staying busy, appearing busy. Busy, busy, busy.
So began my life as a try-hard, someone who felt that things weren’t quite good enough and could be better with more effort. I could better my body if I was at the gym every day, better my career if I worked day and night, get more love if I showed up more sexy, more lovable, smarter, and prettier. Mo. Mo. Mo. Mo bettah. The regular me was okay, but there was a better version of me somewhere, and if I muscled toward it I’d be rewarded.
And holy moly, many bennies came from hustling. I got a shit ton done. I was calculating with my career: I started as a freelance writer who worked in bookshops, left the bookshops for a big time publishing company, left the company to write books, became a writing teacher, grew a thriving practice. I also raised two children and steadied a home, which is a tricky little juggle. Hustling is completely useful when you’re a freelancer with mouths to feed. There was also no time to let feelings or fatigue get in the way of what needed to get done. If I was tired I headed for the gym.
Seriously.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
For years. And years. And years.
Bucking up, pushing my body, challenging my mind, keeping too many balls in the air, trying to keep people happy, saying yes when I meant no, taking on too much, trying to make more money, making sure people loved me, defying the aging process, making sure my kids felt loved, trying not to get fat, keeping my marriage going, trying to be a good sister, a good friend, a good daughter…There really was no area where I felt that more effort on my part wouldn’t make everything better.
Big effort = big results.
I also had little compassion for people who struggled, which is why I didn’t make a very good life coach. I just wanted all my clients to GET OUT OF BED, PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND GET GOING!
And I haven’t even mentioned the coffee and the drinking – the way I came down from the mountain at the end of every day, and the way I harnessed my way back up the next morning. Stimulants and downers. I had no idea how tired I was because I never actually touched the ground.
“How do you do it?” people asked me, shaking their heads at all I was accomplishing. How did I do it? Well, I’m Superman on steroids – nice to meet you. But then this year I noticed a little rebellion happening inside of me. I had my marching orders, my to-do list, but instead of jumping up and attacking it, I just stared at it – almost like I couldn’t decipher the message anymore. I’m supposed to what? Write the sales page, get to the market, return the books, don’t forget the gym, email the students, create the new class, work on the newsletter, make a menu for the party…really? Just looking at the list made me tired.
But it was a new kind of tired, and drinking more coffee and going to the gym didn’t seem to help. Something in me was dropping away – everything I’d relied on in fact – my ambition, my willfulness, and my energy to make things happen. The same gravity that will eventually take your face and your ass – yeah – it took my mojo. And in the absence of this ability to buck up I noticed a new feeling surfacing; sadness. Not for anything in particular. I think it had been there for years, just waiting for me to settle down and meet it. And in the sadness I felt the kid who had to learn how to buck up at a really young age. The kid who felt she needed to be a better version of her actual self to get what she wanted.
It would be a lie to say that I don’t wake up each morning with a the same knee jerk impulse to get as much done as I can, but now I have a tiny toe in the door jam that slows me down, reminding me that this isn’t a race, there’s no where to go – there never was.
“I noticed a new feeling surfacing; sadness. Not for anything in particular. I think it had been there for years, just waiting for me to settle down and meet it.” Oh, Laurie. I so feel you on this. xo
Hum…glad for the tiny toe… A lifetime takes time to unwind… Like a ball of yarn. There is joy and comfort in the forward momentum, but peace and Self in the stopping. I think we are all of it. The undiscovered parts for me can be scary, but important. Look forward to more discovering on Fridays…soon.??
Your words Laurie every time vibrate the truth, the whole raw truth of what is going on. It was like hearing my twin speak. Thank you and bless you. J
So beautiful and honest. So liberating. Thank you, friend. Big love.
Beautiful and so honest, Laurie. The more you let go, the more deeply fabulous you will become. Love you.
Yes! I hear and know about this place and the rebellion. Am in a bit of a rebellion now 😉
Feeling all of this beautiful writing and it’s exhale as punctuation. Sending love for the tired and tender bits, release for the tense ones and capacity to hold the pleasure of lolling about and contemplating everything from navels to the Universe. Here’s to the new version of productivity as I imagine great things will emerge from this quieter, slower place and pace.
Bam woman! this is it. right here. Gave me freaking goosebumps. There must be something in the air…because as I shed layers of mindless productivity and I sat with that empty space, I have discovered a whole new realm of creativity. I’m on the road to nowhere and loving it. xxoo
And in the absence of this ability to buck up I noticed a new feeling surfacing; sadness. Not for anything in particular. I think it had been there for years, just waiting for me to settle down and meet it.
Beautiful and raw, Laurie.
I feel the universe speaking to me through your writing today. I too cannot buck up and have had to ‘give in’ which says a lot about my attitude. I know that my endless activity keeps the sadness buried as I am not sure how I will be when I meet it. Thank you Laurie for making me feel not so alone and thank you Peggy also for “I’m on the road to nowhere”. I now know how to answer the next time someone asks what I am doing.
I relate to this body and soul. I believe it’s biological- something in our DNA is telling us, reminding us, that life isn’t infinite and it’s time to slow down and savor. Thanks for writing it all down Laurie.
Oh Laurie
Not a blog reader but saw your sweet face and was moved to read on. I feel you.. I know this one inside and out. Thank you for sharing/being you rockstar. Gratitude for toes.. needed this this am… miss you
It was an unexpected coincidence that the more my ambition faded the happier I got. Hmmmm! Who would a thought? I see others in my age group doing the same. Being free from ambition allows us to fluff up the now and make it the best we can by simply immersing ourselves in it. Us old-timers know a few things! Let the real party start!
wow just wow again and again…soul sisters. thank you friend.
“just waiting for me to settle down and meet it”
Thank you Laurie. As always I am moved and inspired by your truth telling.
Love to that wee one who learned to hustle too early and high five to the grown one who is giving herself permission to slow the fuck down.
xoxoxo
Nina
Hey Laurie,
Growing up my dad popped his head around the bedroom door around 6am singing ” day break another new day” then be would yell “get out of the rack!”
It was kinda funny and mostly not. The anxious feeling of not doing the right thing has always been there. I am learning to reframe my thoughts, chill out, and be comfortable in my own skin.
Dad, an original, i miss him dearly.
“This isn’t a race, there’s no where to go – there never was.” I love you so much. And am so so happy about that toe in the door jam. xoxoxoxo
What a beautiful post, laurie! I appreciate it (and I resonate with it, of course!) Love, Ali
Ah, you wonderful woman you! Your post bring up a lot of shit for everyone, doesn’t it?
My dad would say (with irony), “Here hath been donning another blue day. Think, will thou let it slip useless away?” and the other message was “Make yourself useful.”
In some ways I thank him for this but in others I think isn’t just being enough? Somehow I never felt enough.
Do now though – ain’t old age fabulous?
I do a big Jump in the air every time a woman chooses to slow down!!
I’ve been through burnout several times but it wasn’t till my son was born 5 weeks premature did I really get hit with the message.
It’s really hard for women to honor our natural rythym in a patriarchal home and an upbringing based on achievement.
The truth is that is women get more done when we rest. We don’t need to effort because our intuition is so powerful. We also are not meant to do it alone. The feminine is all about collaboration aka sisterhood.
It’s a different way to live and takes courage to slow down.
I went from pharmacy professor at age of 24 to sending my some to day care 4 days a week and putting my business on hold so that I can rest.
I didn’t want another wack on the head via an illness.
Life is meant to be joyful. We are meant to enjoy the journey. Feel all of ourself – good, bad ugly and great!
Kudos to you for saying yes to you 🙂
Home was supposed to be world.
Im having Deja vous and my right foot is tingle.
Something tells me that wasn’t an accident!
Compelling self-disclosure here, Laurie. And wonderful self-awareness. I love it. It’s a new thing you can be the best at; you could be the most self-aware!
Seriously, I think this is a particularly fine piece of writing.
I remember a line from Albert Camus’ “The Fall” that absolutely fascinated me as a teenager: “But truth, cher ami, is a colossal bore”. And what you have done here is manage to tell a real personal truth *and* make it incredibly interesting. That is no small feat.
Laurie, thank you again for your gutsy truth telling and by doing so, giving the rest of us permission for our truths, sadness and joys. xo, t
Beautifully expressed, and timely — am in the thick of it!
“…there’s no where to go — there never was.”
Thank you.
Laurie, Thanks for this beautiful, artful confession. You model honesty like no other. As other folks’ comments reveal, you have touched a resonant cord and once again, offer yourself as our powerful, humble guide on the path of creativity and life.
This is my life. Only I didn’t do the gym I ate – to get through, to calm down, to feel better, to get energy. Sugar, carbs, food. And then the big M hit at age 50 and it totally screwed my mojo. Thank you for being honest and sharing your sage wisdom. Your writing always brings me to my core, it grounds me, and I find myself actually breathing. You are a stunning life changing force by just sharing the truth.
I needed this today. I now feel so less alone and weird. Thank you.
Thank you, Laurie. I love this.
whew… xo
Wow! Amazing Laurie…you’ve done it again. So raw, honest and powerful. We come from the same mom and dad, same existence, similar experiences, perhaps a little different. But I gained so much insight by reading this. Thank you for sharing your story. I love you. Let’s just BE!
I keep reading this.
You are amazing.
#loveinfinity
YES! The endless to-do list is holding less meaning for me too. I’m dragging out the cleaning off of the piles of papers on my desk, in my garage. But what I AM doing is paying attention to what makes me happy/energized. It’s not that next job as the director of something or other; it’s contributing some editing time to a friend’s photo e-zine project. ‘Sfun. Love you!
beautiful.
i love you
Kindred, here on the east coast.
hmmmm…..turned 70 this year….14 years ago a demand was made…NOW….stop this human made nonsense. Start listening to your TRUTH.
“In the sadness I felt the kid who had to learn how to buck up at a really young age. The kid who felt she needed to be a better version of her actual self to get what she wanted.” Lovely to see how getting in touch with that sadness lead you to more self-compassion for Laurie. Post-Bali effects can take us in new directions.
This blog is beautifully written, inspirational, and truth telling as so many have written before this post. I only have to add that, perhaps, you are slowing down for the purpose of meeting the real wise sage behind the “racing hamster” on the wheel of life. Listen to her inner wise words of wisdom and thank her for slowing down to hear.
Say on!
Holy moly, I love you. Regular you. Striving you. Teaching you. Writing you. Honest as fuck you. You meeting sadness. You not going anywhere because there is nowhere to go. This makes me want to meet you somewhere and do nothing together, not even write. We could just sit on a patio in rocking chairs maybe, exhale deeply, and say “we’re here, we always were.”
dear laurie. i always love and appreciate your honesty, your beautiful storytelling, your ability to have us right there with you each and every moment of your story, your truth. big love.