“So how many different fetal positions have you discovered?” my friend Jane asks as we set out for our evening walk. She’s smiling, but that’s because the sad ass year when she separated from her husband was over a decade ago. Now she can laugh.
The thing about having a serious discussion when walking 4 mph – as my friends and I do – is that if you start crying you’ll end up wheezing. Trust me, I’ve done it; it’s hard to cry and walk. Last night I just got a little lumpy in the throat – a little choked up.
I remember Jane’s divorce – sort of. I remember thinking she was brave. I remember how cool her new apartment was – how gathering around the coffee table with our friends felt like being in a cool, all-girl’s clubhouse. No boys allowed! I remember seeing Jane rockin’ it in her short kilt and sexy engineer boots sometime later that spring. I don’t remember seeing her in the fetal position, but apparently she was doing a lot more of that than I knew.
My friend Jeremy recently told me that when his marriage ended and he left his wife and family – when the distracting hubbub of family life – all that colorful noise that crowds your attention and takes up space for so many years; running a house, working, shopping, feeding, and tending to other people – when that was gone, he could make out a much more clear shot of death. Of course it had been there all along, but he’d been too distracted, too busy to notice.
“That’s it,” I told Jeremy when he said it. “That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling.”
It’s not so much this sense of death, but a sudden nakedness, an exposure to the inevitable without the family to block its path.
Life in Motion
Since my husband moved out six months ago, and my kids got all independent on me – started driving, got boyfriends and jobs – there’s been a whistling sound around here – like a wind blowin’ through an abandoned town. I’ve been lonely.
I’m not saying that my separation from my husband of 22 years was a mistake – it was correct in many ways – and I’m glad that my teenage daughters are inspired to leave the house and go meet the world.
But this loneliness is a new feeling for me, one that I think I’ve kept at bay my whole life.
“You can call me anytime,” said a well-meaning friend. But this isn’t the kind of lonely that gets filled with friends or a movie. It’s deeper than that – it’s like what my friend said about that clear view of death.
Before I met my husband 25 years ago, the thing I was most afraid of was not finding a partner and being alone. I was certain it was a dark destiny for me, something with my name on it. I hadn’t had that many relationships, and I’d only recently recovered from many years of drinking, doing drugs and other kinds of self-destructive behavior that involved a lot of bad choices. My husband was a happy, energetic, boyish puppy. He was talented and full of life. When I first visited his art studio he had a whole wall of hand made journals that he’d been writing in for years. The paintings nailed to his walls were his own, and if that weren’t enough, Joni Mitchell was playing on his turn table. I thought I’d met my match – and I had in many ways; you don’t stay with someone for 25 years without having a lot of compatibility. Still, marrying him was just as much about running away from my fear of being alone as it was about loving him.
And so we had our life. Our kids. Our home. Our careers. Our spats, our travels, our friends, adventures and community. We made a big life.
And then our time came to an end. I like to say that in our 25 years together he and I created amazing things. Our separation was just one of them.
There’s a great quote by Marion Woodman, the Jungian therapist, who says, “You will become conscious. There are two ways. You can either walk bravely down the path with your eyes open and take your lumps, or fate will drag you down like a squealing pig.”
So, for the last 25 years my loneliness, my fear of being alone, the inevitable stain that I felt had my name on it, has been patiently waiting for me like a devoted dog. And now it’s here. Finally. Time to take my lumps and see what it has in store for me. Maybe I’m finally ready to see what’s there if I’m not running from it. As my old therapist, Gary, used to say to whatever was working me at the time, “Let it do it’s thing to you.” Easier to say, or course. More challenging to live. Let the wild rumpus begin.
Holy crap, I love you. xo
Holy crap batman! Love you dearly – can’t wait to hang with your booty-licious self this fall!
My heart goes out to you Laurie–this life isn’t easy is it? Looks like your “loneliness” is your unfinished business in your life. Knowing what I know about you, I think you’re going to get to the center of it and find your joy. Going through that ring of fire can really burn, but when you get to the other side….there’s YOU and pure JOY.
Sending you love and light.
Linda Ford (former student)
Linda – how dear of you. Yes, getting to the center of the thing; examining, taking notes, celebrating, collapsing, getting back up again, putting on music, strapping on my go-go boots, falling down, getting back up – with friends like you nearby nodding and waving! You’re a doll, thanks for writing.
I remember the end of my first marriage that ended before it began and how I thought I’d never, EVER. survive that loss. I stayed single for thirteen years living life on my terms, alone, for the first time in my adult life. I loved and hated those years. I loved discovering me. The JOYful me. I hated the loneliness and the fear I would never again garner the courage to tie another “knot.” And I did. And the loneliness remained. So now I dance with it because somehow I know I’ve created it and it’s mine to hold. Thank you, Laurie, for all that you share here and all that you inspire others to share. Telling true stories is, indeed, a work of heart.
thank you so much for this note – i really appreciate your words – thank you!
oh babe..I said I’d look for the blog piece and here I am. Bedtime for my early run tomorrow and I’m here with you… this running thing btw is running from that gloomy shadow. I have a friend-gonna pick me up tomorrow ’cause I’m too weak to run that many miles, that early, by myself. Her too. Thank God we have people to check in with, even when people seem the last thing we want to have to engage with or to disappoint… what I’m trying to say say is that your fiercely honest words ALWAYS ring true…and that always creates a little space for connection, knowing there is light that also exist along side that clingy shadow.
mmmmwah, nite.
mmm, the gloomy shadow – thanks for saying that. You’re right, it does connect us – just knowing it exists in us all. Thanks for saying that sweetie – i get it, i get it. xxx
i love you so very much and your truth and your vulnerability show me the way..
xoxo
we totally show each other the way honey…xxx
If in fact “the truth will set you free” You are well on your way doll! Miles of smiles, Caren
mmmm….love!
You rock it Laurie. i needed this today. Kisses.
mmmm….kisses!
This blew me away, Laurie. So much truth – so much that I think ALL women relate to in one way or another because I think most of us need to feel needed. When our kids or partners or friends move on to greener pastures, the hole they leave can eat us alive! Or… it can offer the space we need to finally discover our true heart. So love seeing yours shine.
right, I’m with you. Always the opportunity if we can see it and be ready for it. I think it’s so much about self care so that we are nimble footed and stay open. Thank you!
Awe-inspiring, Laurie. I needed this today, too. Just haven’t been able to lift out of the fog of life today — despite the blue skies and brilliant weather. ISome days are like that, I guess. I’ve been in the struggle between still being desperately needed (for food, for rides) and being completely non-essential and not knowing what to do with it. Your writing is so brave and inspires me to get to it — something I couldn’t do all day, just wandering around. I’ve been dealing with the big lonely for a few years now. Let’s start the big lonely manifesto blog!
The big lonely! Awww…..I’m with you sweet pea. I totally see you out there being essential and non-essential. I know how you feel. I get it. It’s all this re-defining of our roles, our lives. There’s so much opportunity for freedom and its on us to make it happen. We’re going to spend time together this year – we’re going to make it up as we go along. Love!
btw, I love this line: I like to say that in our 25 years together he and I created amazing things. Our separation was just one of them.
Laurie, I so hear you. I went thru something similar a while back. Stayed single for 9 years, by choice, so that I could re-discover me, that lonely self. And, you know what? After we take those lumps, we discover that we were waaaaay braver, and stronger, and courageous, and real than we ever gave ourselves credit for. Sending you much love to walk beside you as you journey through the Land of Lumps…
Darr,
so nice to hear from you – thank you for these words. The Land of Lumps indeed! There’s a lot there for me – more to learn about vulnerability and softness. Thank you sweetie! xxx
Well, of course, it is impossible to separate the way you were able to choose the perfect words and the perfect phrases and the perfect cadence from the pain and laughter and all….in order to be able to comment on this with any sense at all. But let me say this…I cried when I read this and I laughed and I understood it all, all of its contradictions because you are so damn good at writing it. No wonder those of us who have been or are your students walk around with your name on banners as we march into battle with the page. You are dearly loved and admired for a reason.
Suz…I am slayed by your kindness. Can’t wait to meet you. xxx
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