There’s poetry in not getting what you want. Tugging hard at the flower that doesn’t break easily from the bush. It’s not yours.
So when my last two texts to the cowboy went unanswered, I realized, shoot, a door was being closed on me hard and I wasn’t ready. I’m hurt, but for him too, and all times I shut down shop on someone because I was afraid.
The astrologer told me to keep the beautiful wall-sized mirror he made and gave me for my birthday.
“But it makes me sad to look in it,” I said.
“That’s his pain honey, not yours,” she said.
Like a lot of women, I am particularly skilled when it comes to men; how they feel, what they need and what they struggle with. But I had my own pain here; a man turned away from me, and it was very hard to hold. I took it personally. Not just ego, but a firm nod to my own unworthiness. Old pain. Cowboy triggered it.
And there’s poetry in that too.
Poetry for the teenage daughters who witnessed the month-long love fest, who examined the new dress for the date, who giggled when they caught us kissing, who gave a thumbs up for sleepovers, who opened their arms wide, saying “Oh Mama,” when I wept.
Someone told me that it’s fine for your kids to see you fall, but they need to see you get back up. I’ve always been a buck up kind of gal, but with a lot of cowgirl, get-outta-my-way swagger. This time is different. I am sad for me, but more sad that it’s hard for men and women to come together with their eyes open and to rest.
For days I wrote the note in my head that I’d send him. Made plans to have a girlfriend drop the mirror and the note off at his office. But now I’m wondering if maybe I can put that mirror up. It’s absolutely stunning; a work of art as worthy as the man himself.
As much I wanted to see my own worthiness in the eyes of that cowboy, I think what I need to do is to turn to that mirror and seek my own reflection, hold my own gaze.
That was his gift to me. The mirror was only a beginning.
I may never see that cowboy again, but I will think of him in the beautiful home he’s building for himself. And then in the fall when both of our kids start at the same university, I’ll remember him. It’s a big campus – but it’s ultimately fate that has you cross paths with just anyone. And there’s poetry in that too.