“So how many different fetal positions have you discovered?” my friend Jane asks as we set out for our evening walk. She’s smiling, but that’s because the sad ass year when she separated from her husband was over a decade ago. Now she can laugh.
The thing about having a serious discussion when walking 4 mph – as my friends and I do – is that if you start crying you’ll end up wheezing. Trust me, I’ve done it; it’s hard to cry and walk. Last night I just got a little lumpy in the throat – a little choked up.
I remember Jane’s divorce – sort of. I remember thinking she was brave. I remember how cool her new apartment was – how gathering around the coffee table with our friends felt like being in a cool, all-girl’s clubhouse. No boys allowed! I remember seeing Jane rockin’ it in her short kilt and sexy engineer boots sometime later that spring. I don’t remember seeing her in the fetal position, but apparently she was doing a lot more of that than I knew.
My friend Jeremy recently told me that when his marriage ended and he left his wife and family – when the distracting hubbub of family life – all that colorful noise that crowds your attention and takes up space for so many years; running a house, working, shopping, feeding, and tending to other people – when that was gone, he could make out a much more clear shot of death. Of course it had been there all along, but he’d been too distracted, too busy to notice.
“That’s it,” I told Jeremy when he said it. “That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling.”
It’s not so much this sense of death, but a sudden nakedness, an exposure to the inevitable without the family to block its path.
Life in Motion
Since my husband moved out six months ago, and my kids got all independent on me – started driving, got boyfriends and jobs – there’s been a whistling sound around here – like a wind blowin’ through an abandoned town. I’ve been lonely.
I’m not saying that my separation from my husband of 22 years was a mistake – it was correct in many ways – and I’m glad that my teenage daughters are inspired to leave the house and go meet the world.
But this loneliness is a new feeling for me, one that I think I’ve kept at bay my whole life.
“You can call me anytime,” said a well-meaning friend. But this isn’t the kind of lonely that gets filled with friends or a movie. It’s deeper than that – it’s like what my friend said about that clear view of death.
Before I met my husband 25 years ago, the thing I was most afraid of was not finding a partner and being alone. I was certain it was a dark destiny for me, something with my name on it. I hadn’t had that many relationships, and I’d only recently recovered from many years of drinking, doing drugs and other kinds of self-destructive behavior that involved a lot of bad choices. My husband was a happy, energetic, boyish puppy. He was talented and full of life. When I first visited his art studio he had a whole wall of hand made journals that he’d been writing in for years. The paintings nailed to his walls were his own, and if that weren’t enough, Joni Mitchell was playing on his turn table. I thought I’d met my match – and I had in many ways; you don’t stay with someone for 25 years without having a lot of compatibility. Still, marrying him was just as much about running away from my fear of being alone as it was about loving him.
And so we had our life. Our kids. Our home. Our careers. Our spats, our travels, our friends, adventures and community. We made a big life.
And then our time came to an end. I like to say that in our 25 years together he and I created amazing things. Our separation was just one of them.
There’s a great quote by Marion Woodman, the Jungian therapist, who says, “You will become conscious. There are two ways. You can either walk bravely down the path with your eyes open and take your lumps, or fate will drag you down like a squealing pig.”
So, for the last 25 years my loneliness, my fear of being alone, the inevitable stain that I felt had my name on it, has been patiently waiting for me like a devoted dog. And now it’s here. Finally. Time to take my lumps and see what it has in store for me. Maybe I’m finally ready to see what’s there if I’m not running from it. As my old therapist, Gary, used to say to whatever was working me at the time, “Let it do it’s thing to you.” Easier to say, or course. More challenging to live. Let the wild rumpus begin.
Holy crap, I love you. xo
Holy crap batman! Love you dearly – can’t wait to hang with your booty-licious self this fall!
My heart goes out to you Laurie–this life isn’t easy is it? Looks like your “loneliness” is your unfinished business in your life. Knowing what I know about you, I think you’re going to get to the center of it and find your joy. Going through that ring of fire can really burn, but when you get to the other side….there’s YOU and pure JOY.
Sending you love and light.
Linda Ford (former student)
Linda – how dear of you. Yes, getting to the center of the thing; examining, taking notes, celebrating, collapsing, getting back up again, putting on music, strapping on my go-go boots, falling down, getting back up – with friends like you nearby nodding and waving! You’re a doll, thanks for writing.
I remember the end of my first marriage that ended before it began and how I thought I’d never, EVER. survive that loss. I stayed single for thirteen years living life on my terms, alone, for the first time in my adult life. I loved and hated those years. I loved discovering me. The JOYful me. I hated the loneliness and the fear I would never again garner the courage to tie another “knot.” And I did. And the loneliness remained. So now I dance with it because somehow I know I’ve created it and it’s mine to hold. Thank you, Laurie, for all that you share here and all that you inspire others to share. Telling true stories is, indeed, a work of heart.
thank you so much for this note – i really appreciate your words – thank you!
oh babe..I said I’d look for the blog piece and here I am. Bedtime for my early run tomorrow and I’m here with you… this running thing btw is running from that gloomy shadow. I have a friend-gonna pick me up tomorrow ’cause I’m too weak to run that many miles, that early, by myself. Her too. Thank God we have people to check in with, even when people seem the last thing we want to have to engage with or to disappoint… what I’m trying to say say is that your fiercely honest words ALWAYS ring true…and that always creates a little space for connection, knowing there is light that also exist along side that clingy shadow.
mmm, the gloomy shadow – thanks for saying that. You’re right, it does connect us – just knowing it exists in us all. Thanks for saying that sweetie – i get it, i get it. xxx
i love you so very much and your truth and your vulnerability show me the way..
we totally show each other the way honey…xxx
If in fact “the truth will set you free” You are well on your way doll! Miles of smiles, Caren
You rock it Laurie. i needed this today. Kisses.
This blew me away, Laurie. So much truth – so much that I think ALL women relate to in one way or another because I think most of us need to feel needed. When our kids or partners or friends move on to greener pastures, the hole they leave can eat us alive! Or… it can offer the space we need to finally discover our true heart. So love seeing yours shine.
right, I’m with you. Always the opportunity if we can see it and be ready for it. I think it’s so much about self care so that we are nimble footed and stay open. Thank you!
Awe-inspiring, Laurie. I needed this today, too. Just haven’t been able to lift out of the fog of life today — despite the blue skies and brilliant weather. ISome days are like that, I guess. I’ve been in the struggle between still being desperately needed (for food, for rides) and being completely non-essential and not knowing what to do with it. Your writing is so brave and inspires me to get to it — something I couldn’t do all day, just wandering around. I’ve been dealing with the big lonely for a few years now. Let’s start the big lonely manifesto blog!
The big lonely! Awww…..I’m with you sweet pea. I totally see you out there being essential and non-essential. I know how you feel. I get it. It’s all this re-defining of our roles, our lives. There’s so much opportunity for freedom and its on us to make it happen. We’re going to spend time together this year – we’re going to make it up as we go along. Love!
btw, I love this line: I like to say that in our 25 years together he and I created amazing things. Our separation was just one of them.
Laurie, I so hear you. I went thru something similar a while back. Stayed single for 9 years, by choice, so that I could re-discover me, that lonely self. And, you know what? After we take those lumps, we discover that we were waaaaay braver, and stronger, and courageous, and real than we ever gave ourselves credit for. Sending you much love to walk beside you as you journey through the Land of Lumps…
so nice to hear from you – thank you for these words. The Land of Lumps indeed! There’s a lot there for me – more to learn about vulnerability and softness. Thank you sweetie! xxx
Well, of course, it is impossible to separate the way you were able to choose the perfect words and the perfect phrases and the perfect cadence from the pain and laughter and all….in order to be able to comment on this with any sense at all. But let me say this…I cried when I read this and I laughed and I understood it all, all of its contradictions because you are so damn good at writing it. No wonder those of us who have been or are your students walk around with your name on banners as we march into battle with the page. You are dearly loved and admired for a reason.
Suz…I am slayed by your kindness. Can’t wait to meet you. xxx
Production holywoodienne (scnariste et producteur de la srie Fast & Furious),louboutin pas cher casting ambitieux (Chyler Leigh de Grey’s Anatomy) et le tout tourn en anglais, of course.louboutin pas cher C’est Luc Besson qui est aux manettes de cette srie aux fonds 100% fran?ais, grace sa socit Europacorp et TF1. Et Taxi Brooklyn, c’est aussi la srie la plus chre de la tlvision hexagonale.
Production holywoodienne (scnariste et producteur de la srie Fast & Furious),www.tetleyharris.com/privacy.shtml casting ambitieux (Chyler Leigh de Grey’s Anatomy) et le tout tourn en anglais, of course.www.tetleyharris.com/privacy.shtml C’est Luc Besson qui est aux manettes de cette srie aux fonds 100% fran?ais, grace sa socit Europacorp et TF1. Et Taxi Brooklyn, c’est aussi la srie la plus chre de la tlvision hexagonale.
SALAIRES – La dernire proposition du Medef n’a vraiment pas du tout sduit son ancienne patronne Laurence Parisot. Son successeur, Pierre Gattaz, a ouvert ce mardi 15 avril la bo?te de Pandore en se disant favorable un salaire “transitoire” infrieur au Smic pour encourager l’embauche des jeunes. Une formule choc qui a entra?n un rejet immdiat du gouvernement et une raction indigne des syndicats sur un sujet hautement sensible.
Incorporated with your purchase is actually an orange 18.8mm glass fall bowl with glass
that is clear handle for raising.
Also visit my page: head shops near memphis tn – Fletcher –
This piece of writing will help the internet users for
building up new web site or even a weblog from start to end.
Mais cet appui n’a rien de trs tonnant quand on conna?t http://www.tatianaderosnay.com/info.htmlla proximit entre le site internet et le Parti pirate. Dbut mai, l’ancien porte-parole de Pirate Bay, Peter Sunde, s’est lanc dans les Europennes. Son programme : dfense de l’Internet libre, de la transparence gouvernementale, ou encore favoriser un plus grand respect des droits individuels. Sans surprise, ce candidat avait re?u le soutien du Parti pirate Finlandais.Il portera la bannire du parti pour les lections et sera candidat la prsidence de la Commission europenne avec Amelia Andersdotter.
Mais cet appui n’a rien de trs tonnant quand on conna?t http://www.lorelei2005.eu/Ligne.htmlla proximit entre le site internet et le Parti pirate. Dbut mai, l’ancien porte-parole de Pirate Bay, Peter Sunde, s’est lanc dans les Europennes. Son programme : dfense de l’Internet libre, de la transparence gouvernementale, ou encore favoriser un plus grand respect des droits individuels. Sans surprise, ce candidat avait re?u le soutien du Parti pirate Finlandais.Il portera la bannire du parti pour les lections et sera candidat la prsidence de la Commission europenne avec Amelia Andersdotter.
Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin
Hello to every body, it’s my first pay a quick visit of this website; this
webpage consists of amazing and in fact excellent information in favor of readers.
My web-site; dwi attorney
When blended together, vinegar and baking soda will generate
a bubbling consequence, which effectively cleans pipes and clears blocks.
my webpage – bongs for sale online usa; Chelsea,
You could make use of various other android emulators for downloading Hay day for computer which i
pointed out above.
Here is my webpage :: 3dsignsupply.com (Phoebe)
To get more information, visit our free Analytics device, or pertain to the Amazon.com Dev Day sessions on Tuesday beginning at 10am.
my homepage: dial-mebli.com.ua
The same fate might be dealt to Hay Day, which released in June 2012, and
Clash of Clans, which launched in July 2012.
Visit my homepage :: cobanogluyachting.com (Freeman)
It’s very simple to find out any topic on net as compared to textbooks,
as I found this article at this web page.
Howdy, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if
you get a lot of spam remarks? If so how do you protect against it,
any plugin or anything you can suggest? I get
so much lately it’s driving me crazy so any
assistance is very much appreciated.
What’s up every one, here every one is sharing these kinds of knowledge,
thus it’s fastidious to read this webpage, and I used to pay a quick visit this
Require your aid in establishing the best android emulator to run Hay day on my laptop computer.
Feel free to surf to my homepage; politicadeestado.com (Uta)
Hay Day is a remarkable video game and also most of us understand it.
It’s a farming video game but it’s not ‘merely one more farming game’.
My blog post :: Alahwazstate.Org
I have read a few good stuff here. Certainly value bookmarking for revisiting.
I wonder how a lot attempt you put to create this
kind of fantastic informative website.
Hello, its pleasant article about media print,
we all be aware of media is a enormous source of facts.
However, you need to not take steroid tablets for extended periods to treat hay high temperature, as major side-effects might create.
my website http://hossamtanmiah.org/
Now, are you prepared to take your video pc gaming hobby and
transform it into something actually unique?
my homepage; http://orlandogamedev.com/
Good information. Lucky me I recently found your
site by chance (stumbleupon). I’ve book marked it for later!
Forum For Hay Day brings is an incredible source and also environment for any sort of
Hay Day players!
my blog :: msapower.com
We’re a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our
community. Your site offered us with valuable information to work on. You have done a
formidable job and our whole community will
be thankful to you.
Your muscles need to be effectively extended to stay clear of cramping as well as
development of embolism. To do otherwise is unhealthy.
Review my homepage: http://merck-laboreszkoz.hu/?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&task=user&id=295607
Although having an avatar is a wonderful touch to bring gamers closer to the video game, I do not assume that an avatar is absolutely essential in Hay Day.
my weblog http://www.marcaac.com/
A 2010 research recommends that white children are most likely to have hay fever (10 %) than black children (7 %).
Feel free to surf to my web-site :: http://adlxxi.es/
Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this post and the
rest of the site is really good.
Feel free to surf to my webpage – car loans for people with bad credit
A company such as Supercell concerns updates every couple of weeks
for Clash of Clans, a medieval battle game, and Hay Day, based on a ranch.
Take a look at my website; http://Www.normalforum.byethost15.com
Un des trucs les plus simples consiste à recevoir le double de la quantité de monnaie
et d’expérience habituelle pour l’achèvement d’un ordre de
Also visit my blog post http://www.anaencinas.com/?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&task=user&id=58744
Don’t fret; all the talks will certainly be livestreamed on YouTube
if you can’t make any of the Google Programmer Day sessions.
My site: http://www.themouvement.org
Are you planning to enhance your video gaming expertise?
Check out my blog pneumatech.su
I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is needed to get setup?
I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I’m not very web smart so I’m not 100% certain. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Here is my site :: spielautomaten (bit.ly)
You ought to take a look at the sorts of video games available for that console,
along with its features as well as technical specifications.
Do some research study online.
my webpage – http://www.tvmalayalam.com
Youwave as well as andyroid for Hay day provide the same
characteristics as bluestacks for Hay day.
Check out my web page … Blogsberg.Com
When hay fever signs arise their hissing and episodes of breathlessness come to
be more intense, individuals with bronchial asthma may find that.
Here is my web blog saudionline.co.uk
Keep this article around as a convenient recommendation,
and enjoy with computer game!
Feel free to surf to my webpage :: websud.net
Open up Source Blog – Open source at Google
with information concerning Google’s open source jobs
Here is my blog … hydraulic equipment repair
Questa azienda si occupa numerose generi di accessori e abbigliamento.
Cibo inizialmente stabilito la maggioranza 1964 ed è stato nominato come nastro azzurro In esecuzione.
Durante l’anno 1978 è stato creato rinominato come Nike
Corporation. I fondatori di questa preoccupazione sono Bill Bowerman e Phil Cavaliere.
La sede di questo azienda è situato nella Contea di Washington, Oregon negli Stati Uniti di Il paese.
l’attuale Presidente di questa organizzazione è Phil Knight e obama e
CEO è Mark Parker. Ci sono quasi 38000 persone funzionamento quest’azienda
che sono distribuiti in tutto il mondo. Questa azienda ha eccelso in la
creazione di sport pattini atletici. Normalmente il prezzo di scarpe nike
in India sarebbe compreso tra RS e Rs.9000 basato i vari
Certo buone notizie a tutti il gli amanti della musica
fuori certamente, ci! Non devi piu ‘ fastidio che trasportano i lettori
di musica in frantumi e su un programma fitto di appuntamenti.
Con questa coppia di Lettore musicale, si potrebbe passeggiare
intorno il parco non hanno mai trasportare maggior parte
delle cose. Il lettore MP3 è già incluso nel il telaio in fibra di questo occhiali da sole.
Questo frame contiene tutti i la necessaria attrezzature come memoria flash, unità USB
per il trasferimento di musica, registratore vocale
digitale, e un paio di auricolari.